That is of course the superficial level of domination/sublimation, but unfortunately anything to do with sex has to go deeper. I like to think that I am amongst strong feminist women, so the idea that I want to be dominated and degraded does really not sit well with me as a feminist. I know there’s a difference between fantasy and reality though, and this is where I’m especially grateful to Dan Savage for explaining it so clearly:

Like many fetishes, his cuckold thing is most likely a subconscious erotic response to a sexually charged fear. While most of us learn to live with and occasionally conquer our fears without eroticizing them, a number of us respond to sexual fears or traumas by incorporating them into our erotic imaginations. Think of women—hip, together, progressive, feminist women—who act out rape fantasies; think of the homos—hip, together, out homos—who dress up like soldiers, cops, firemen and other stereotypically violent homophobic types.

So women fear rape, yet some develop a fetish for it. Gay men fear violent homophobes, yet some dress up like violent homophobes. And what do many straight men fear? Being cheated on, of course, and dealing with that particular brand of sexual humiliation.

So yeah, I think if I was imagining people grabbing me the way they did when I was 12, if I was fantasizing about leather jerkins and tattoos on bare chests,then that would be really troublesome. If I want someone to pull my hair, call me a dirty slut and maybe spank me a little, I’m okay with that.

And don’t even get me started on how FHM did a survey of their readers and discovered that they prefer size 12 women to size 8 women, and so an editor of Cleo was all “oh but it’s other women that women diet for”. Other women huh? Like, oh, I don’t know, the editors of magazines who make frequently use size 8 models in their editorial spreads?

So when I read the other day that it had been bought by CondeNet, I died a lot inside. Changes were apparent straight away when a letter from the new editor proclaimed that staff would now have a dress code: “I’ve always felt that sloppy dressing equals sloppy thinking.” She said she would concentrate more on the fashion and less on the political and I shook my fist at the ceiling and wailed. Then I read the comments and realised that it was April Fool’s Day. Just as well I wasn’t the only one who got fooled. But that brings me to my next point: I need to write about all my links, all the fantastic women who make the internet a better place for me.