Jilling Off

There’s been so much talk lately about what rape is, and who does it, and about the sanctity of rape victims, and how they often get violated again in the court process, so it’s both strange and gratifying to tell a story to your friends and have them state “that’s kind of rapey” even before you offer up all the excuses that you have – that you didn’t say no – although you could hardly breathe, let alone speak, that you’d told him you liked it rough, that you said you enjoyed being dominated, and your entire filthy persona – not to mention the enthusiasm that you’d greated him with earlier in the night. Because yes, you love to suck cock, but you don’t love it when a guy repeatedly shoves your head down. You _really_ don’t love it when he asks if you’re awake, and when you reply, he sits on your chest, pinning you to the bed, shoving his cock down your throat, grasping your head so tight that you can hardly move it, even when you gag, and your mouth fills with vomit, and he just thrusts harder and harder. And you feel helpless and hopeless, and you remember all your rape fantasies, and think that well yeah, maybe this is what you’re asking for, and you just try to make him finish quicker so that he’ll stop. And then, when he’s done, and you know you’re about to start crying, that’s when you curl into him so you can pretend it’s okay, that this was somemthing you wanted to do.

I absolutely understand the point of this video but I can’t say that it doesn’t arouse me as well, and that’s kind of fucked up.

Recently, Giant wrote that he was surprised that I have tendencies towards being dominated. I can get where he’s coming from – outwardly I’m a bossy, in control woman (I do PR for a living) but seriously, if you’re ordering minions, printers, caterers and stupid clients around all day, don’t you think that you’d want to come home and be able to switch off totally too?

That is of course the superficial level of domination/sublimation, but unfortunately anything to do with sex has to go deeper. I like to think that I am amongst strong feminist women, so the idea that I want to be dominated and degraded does really not sit well with me as a feminist. I know there’s a difference between fantasy and reality though, and this is where I’m especially grateful to Dan Savage for explaining it so clearly:

Like many fetishes, his cuckold thing is most likely a subconscious erotic response to a sexually charged fear. While most of us learn to live with and occasionally conquer our fears without eroticizing them, a number of us respond to sexual fears or traumas by incorporating them into our erotic imaginations. Think of women—hip, together, progressive, feminist women—who act out rape fantasies; think of the homos—hip, together, out homos—who dress up like soldiers, cops, firemen and other stereotypically violent homophobic types.

So women fear rape, yet some develop a fetish for it. Gay men fear violent homophobes, yet some dress up like violent homophobes. And what do many straight men fear? Being cheated on, of course, and dealing with that particular brand of sexual humiliation.

So yeah, I think if I was imagining people grabbing me the way they did when I was 12, if I was fantasizing about leather jerkins and tattoos on bare chests,then that would be really troublesome. If I want someone to pull my hair, call me a dirty slut and maybe spank me a little, I’m okay with that.

I’m sure Jill was far too kind in her introduction, however, I really do enjoy writing stories that make people horny. And the most interesting thing I’ve discovered when writing stories via email for Jill is that I’m not as much of a sub as I thought I was.

Turns out I’m a switch.

After I discovered Jill’s tendencies towards being dominated (something that surprised me) I started writing things to her like:

I let you roll you onto your back and reposition the pillows so that your pussy is still in the air. Just to be nice I suck your clit, running my tongue over it hard and fast. You almost cum straight away but I sense the orgasm start and break off, leaving you writhing and moaning.

This also surprised me, because normally I’d want to be on the recieving end of something like that.

Jill mentioned that I’m a feminist, and I am. Which I thought made dominant fantasies quite strange, until I remembered that they were all really about giving pleasure to the sub.

Anyway I’m going to leave these half-formed ideas and just hope you all enjoy reading my stories (some real, some not).

I’ve linked to One D at a Time since the start of this site, and now I want to quote an article that Tracey wrote for Vice, since it’s a sentiment I agree with myself:

I blame my recurring rape fantasy on the fact that I’m a feminist.

So what does she do? Hires someone off Craigslist, of course, and then writes about it. It’s a hilarious story, and it also made me hot and bothered. Because it’s fantasy, it’s not real. And she remained in control. I can imagine that this is a piece that would bother a good number of people though.

Normal servicing should resume sometime soon.